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Aztec Pantheon:

• Acolmiztli God of Mictlan, the Aztec Underworld. May be a form of Mictlantecuhtli.
• Acolnahuacatl Acolnahuacatl (also Aculnahuacatl, Acolnahuacatzin) was a king of the Tepanec city of Azcapotzalco. He was likely a son of the king Xiuhtlatonac.
• Acuecueyotl A Goddess of Oceans and Rivers. She’s the beautiful Chalchiuhtlicue in disguise. Women in childbirth cry out to her for relief from their pains.
• Macuiltonaleque ’Macuil’ means five and these gods include the dangers of overindulgence. Their wagging fingers of reprimand show that drinking, gambling, sex and other pleasures should not be taken to extremes. It is for your own good — too much indulgence and you might end up looking like one of the hunchback dwarfish Macuiltonaleque. We think you are allowed up to five cups of Pulque — but who measures the size of the cup? These five Gods were also invoked by diviners and mystics. Five Gods equals five fingers, and with a little hand-waving all the future could be laid bare.
• Ahuiateteo The Ahuiateteo embody the dangers and consequences of overindulgence, including excessive drinking, gambling, and sex. Each of the five spirits bears a calendar name incorporating the number five: 5 Flower (Macuilxochitl), • 5 Lizard (Macuilcuetzpalin), 5 Vulture (Macuilcozcacuahtli), 5 Rabbit (Macuiltochtli), 5 Grass (Macuilmalinalli). For the Aztecs, the number five symbolized excess: one too many. When you’ve had five, you’ve had too much (the fifth cigarette; the fifth drink; the fifth cup of coffee; the fifth hand of cards …). Punishment for excess was perceived in Aztec cosmology as a natural consequence. The Ahuiateteo were in charge of making sure punishment was administered, usually in the form of illness. The Ahuiateteo are also invoked by fortune-tellers and diviners to help read the writing on the wall.
• Ahuizotl Mongrel Water Monster. It’s the hand you have to watch, as this is the bit that pulls you into the water. Your corpse will be found minus eyes, teeth and nails which appear to be the tasty tidbits. It seems so wasteful. All that remaining flesh left to bloat and float.
• Amaranth This is not a God but a very edible starchy plant used in Holy Scoff. The seeds were mixed with human blood and shaped it into dough figures which were worshiped in the month of Panquetzaliztli. These Aztec gingerbread people are still available in Mexico, but nowadays they make it with honey instead of blood.
• Atlatonan Goddess of Earth and Water. She really loved the rituals whereby she was impersonated by young virgins. Mostly because she got to receive the sacrifices.
• Ayautheotl. Mysterious Goddess of Mist and Haze. Despite her shady character, she is responsible for fame and vanity. Perhaps she symbolizes the fleeting misty nature of fame. Then again, perhaps she’s so vain that she can’t bear to share the spotlight, shrouding everyone else in foggy obscurity.
• Azcatl The amazing Red Ant that supplied the fuel power Quetzalcoatl needed to keep the human race going. Quetzalcoatl came across him humping a kernel of maize bigger than himself with no trouble. After a little persuasion (involving intimidation) the ant was forced to reveal his secret store. Which was inside a grain mountain inside a mountain and contained no end of nutritious goodies and seeds. This was the beginning of breakfast for the undernourished human race.
• Centeotl Transsexual Maize God. Yes, amaizingly enough, he used to be a Maize Goddess.We don’t know who performed the sex-change operation, but his mother Tlazolteotl was a Goddess of Sex and may have offered a few tips.
• Centzon Totochtin The Four Hundred Drunken Rabbit Gods. How many rabbits do you usually see after drinking seven pints of Tequila? These tipsy bunny deities were distilled and brewed by husband and wife alcoholic team Mayahuel and Patecatl. See the entry on Pulque for more info. Also known as Drunken-Rabbits
• Centzonhuitznahua Rebellious Star Gods. Rebellious brothers of the Sun God Huitzilopochtli. They got involved in all kinds of family feud stuff. Not the kind of behavior we come to expect from the Southern stars.
• Chalchiuhtlicue Beautiful young Goddess of Cleansing Water. Known as Lady of the Green Skirts, she is the creator of the Fourth Sun which was not a great success as it was extremely watery. Due to circumstances beyond our comprehension, she arose as a fruit-laden prickly pear tree standing in a river. She prefers flowers to a human sacrifice, but that didn’t stop her from flooding the entire world to drown the wicked. The entire Fourth Age of the Aztec world was destroyed. Perhaps her tempestuous husband Tlaloc talked her into it.
• Chalchiuhtotolin The Precious Night Turkey. He is a manifestation of Tezcatlipoca in the form of a magnificent bird. A strange choice for a God of Pestilence and Mystery. It is a mystery we are reluctant to unravel. There is a picture of him in the Codex Borbonias that is so utterly weird it must be seen to be disbelieved. In the midst of seemingly undecipherable symbols he is dressed in a turkey suit and seems to be vomiting into a large pot.
• Chalmecatecuhtli Underworld God of Sacrifices. A somewhat obscure deity who rules one of the nine levels of the Underworld. Chalmecatecuhtli is probably a manifestation of Underworld CEO Mictlantecuhtli. He also features in the Aztec calendar as Lord of Day Eleven (Soul Spirit department). He is helped in his endeavors by a screeching red macaw.
• Chantico Chantico is a domestic deity who lives in your fire and keeps your home safe and cosy. She also has a neat sideline in volcanoes for larger clients. She’s in charge of precious things, and is very protective of her treasures. With her red serpent accessories and crown of poisoned cactus spikes, she symbolizes the combination of pleasure and pain. She also seems to have a secret double life as the Fertility Deity Cuaxolotl.
• Chalchiuhcihuatl Chalchiuhcihuatl’s the pretty young Goddess of New Corn. She’s an attractive young maize lady with ears of corn who can steal the hearts of eligible men. Meanwhile her priests stole not only the hearts, but every other organ. Young girls were sacrificed every September in a most unsavory manner, to ensure the corn harvest was up to scratch. In her old age aspect she’s known as Ilamatecuhtli.
• Chalchiuhtecólotl This deity is a real night owl. This is a special manifestation of the God Tezcatlipoca. In Aztec culture, owls were often associated with magic and sorcery.
• Chicomexochtli Aztec god of Painters, paintings, artists, fertility, designs, and creativity. He is the patron of Painters. Chicomexochtli painted the arts of Aztlan and helped the worshippers of The Aztec pantheon color the aztec city.
• Chiconahuiehecatl Chiconahuiehecatl is a minor Aztec god of creation.
• Cihuacoatl Goddess of Many Things. She puts herself about a bit. When she is not being the Great Goddess, The Snake Goddess, The One And Only, The Moon Goddess, or The War or Fertility Goddess, she does impersonations and likes to be mistaken for Coatlicue, Ilamatecuhtli, Itzpapalotl, Temazcalteci or any other Goddess high in the popularity stakes.
• Chimalman A sort of spare female deity. If you can’t remember the name of a mother or consort Goddess it might just as well be her. Example: “Thingy was the mother of Coatlicue. You know, what’s her name, Chimalman.”
• Cihuateteo The souls of women who died in childbirth. Five female spirit sisters of the Macuiltonaleque. Unlike the Civatateo, they were accorded the same honor as men who die in battle. They come to take warriors and women to heaven, so don’t be too scared of the skull heads and clawed feet. Actually they don’t take you there straight away. You have to go to Underworld East first.
• Cipactli Crox God, the World Crocodile. Forget the world resting on the back of a turtle. For the Aztecs, the foundation of the Earth was a large crocodile. In fact his name was their word for any old croc, but you can tell Cipactli was something special by his size and what he’s carrying. He’s also infamous for gobbling up one of Tezcatlipoca’s feet.
• Cipactonal Creator of Astrology. If Cipactli is a crocodile, you might expect the similar-sounding Cipactonal to be another Croc God. But not at all. He is in fact a very resourceful sorcerer. Together with his wife Oxomoco (nothing to do with beef cubes) they invented Astrology and Calendars. They also helped Quetzalcoatl to move a mountain and sorted out famine relief with their Dig for Victory food campaigns.
• Civatateo Rather posh Aztec vampire ladies. Every culture has vampires, and the Aztecs are no exception. But these are the spirits of high-ranking females who’ve died during childbirth. Thanks to their upper-class station, they now have the privilege of serving the Gods. It’s always another rule for the rich, isn’t it? The Civatateo lurk in temples or lie in wait at crossroads, and are ghastly to behold. If you see a shriveled white creature in the dead of night, it won’t be long before you’re dead too.
• Coatlicue Serpent-Skirted Goddess of Earth and Fire. She has terrible dress sense, wearing a skirt of writhing snakes and a necklace made of human hands and hearts. Compared to that, her claws and double snake head are positively chic. She’s known as the Mother of the Gods, and her offspring shot to the top of the pantheon. Her sons are Quetzalcoatl and Xolotl, her daughter is Coyolxauhqui, and she also gave birth to Huitzilopochtli in very suspicious circumstances.
• Cochimetl God of Commerce, Barter and Merchants. It doesn’t matter whether it’s the ancient First World or the most modern times, the advice is always the same: Buy low, sell high, and keep the wheel of fortune turning.
• Coyolxauhqui Miss Golden Bells the Moon Goddess. Daughter of Coatlicue.She caused a lot of domestic bother after disapproving of her mother’s bedroom liaison with a ball of feathers. But from Coatlicue’s pregnant womb sprang new brother Huitzilopochtli, who was somewhat over-protective of his mum and cut Coyolxauhqui’s head off. Still, the lad made the best of a bad job and flung her head into the sky, where it became the moon. We don’t know who installed the bells.
• Cuaxolotl Doubly confusing duality Goddess. She appears to be a manifestation of Chantico the Fire Goddess, although there are several conflicting opinions flying around in the exciting world of Aztec Obscurology. Her name means ‘Head of Xolotl’ and she is assumed to be the female counterpart of Lightning God Xolotl with bonus fertility extras. Come on baby light my fire? Her name can also signify ‘Split at the top’ and her image depicts two heads – she wears a Xolotl mask on the back of her own head. Perhaps this indicates duality or twins or even possibly even some kind of bipolar activity.
• Eagle Warrior Also known as Cuauhocelotl, Cuauhtli, Eagle Man. A very impressive ceramic ceremonial sculpture found in the Temple of the Eagle Warriors. The temple housing the eagles is north of the Templo Mayor in Mexico City. The Eagle Warriors were a military order who went into battle in aid of the sun, probably to capture sacrificial victims. The Eagle Warrior statue – or statues, as there were two of them – were only discovered in 1980. Perhaps one was a substitute or a stand-in. Or with the Aztec love of dual personalities, perhaps a twin God. Or maybe it was just one they made earlier. The exact identity of Eagle Warrior has not yet been uncovered.
• Huehuecoyotl Aztec Trickster God who loves a good party. He’s the Old, Old Coyote, an all-singing, all-dancing Trickster God of Parties, Performance and Over-Indulgence. There’s a lot of Native American Coyote in his make-up, with tricks, pranks and japes being perpetrated at every opportunity. Like Coyote, he is also a shape-shifter. During festivals, the drum would sound and he would inspire people to out-do each other in song. He’s therefore a God of Karaoke too.
• Huehueteotl The Fire of Life. The old old Aztec God. He carries a representative fire bowl upon his head. Every 52 years (an Aztec century), the Gods’ contract with mankind would come up for renewal, and this always caused much panic among the paranoid. Negotiations were kept free of legal mumbo jumbo as the Aztecs opted for chucking a bunch of victims on the bonfire. This always seemed to do the trick and Huehueteotl was more than happy to sign up for another 52 years. Result: celebrations, feasts, gather round the hearth, keep the home fires burning etc. Huehueteotl also has an address: The Pole Star. He may or may not have Chalchiuhtlicue for his wife.
• Huitzilopochtli The mighty Aztec Sun God of War. He’s the chief deity of the Aztecs, a formidable War God who blazes away in the sky. Huitzilopochtli was born of Earth Mother Coatlicue after she was impregnated with a ball of feathers. Sadly they both missed out on the mother-child bonding process, as she was decapitated by a host of evil villains before he was born. When he finally burst from her womb, he was armed to the teeth and ready for action. Hearing nasty family gossip about his mother, he discovered that his own sister and brothers were responsible for murdering his mom. So, teaming up with a fire serpent, he went on a murderous rampage. His brothers (who went under the catchy name of Centzonhuitznahua) just happened to be the stars. It took a while, but he killed all four hundred of them. His step-sister Coyolxauhqui was next. She was given a head start in her new career as Moon Goddess. Huitzilopochtli went on to become the fiercesome Warlord of the Aztecs. Mascot: a humming bird. Team colors blue and yellow. His followers adored him. He stole their hearts away. Up to 70,000 hearts could be sacrificed in one go. If you spot an eagle carrying a snake, it could be him. In which case you may find yourself unexpectedly founding a new Aztec nation. Best to double-check. Is the eagle perched on a cactus? Then it’s probably him. Our advice is not to get involved. Walk away. Pretend you haven’t seen him. Meanwhile, conflicting reports suggest that Huitzilopochtli is really the Sun God son of Ometecuhtli and a nice friendly Creator of Life and Vegetables. Bit of an identity crisis there. But one thing’s for sure, under the name Mexitl, he became the Top God of Mexico.
• Huixtocihuatl Goddess of Salt. Tlaloc’s big sister, she was a veritable saltmine of fertility. There was a yearly sacrifice for a full salt cellar. A youth had to impersonate Night God Tezcatlipoca for a year, with four maidens chosen to be his wives. They must have died happy, because there was never a shortage of volunteers.
• Ilamatecuhtli The elderly version of Chalchiuhcihuatl. You should always be kind to old Goddesses. Especially this one with her large bared teeth. She likes to live in a darkened chamber where she keeps captured images of Gods. She is also fond of fire festivals and likes burying bundles of reeds of enormous significance.
• Itztli Cheerful knife god of ritual slaughter. He’s in charge of the sacred obsidian stone knives used for ritual slaying. Like this entry, he’s short and to the point. But we must point out that Aztec sacrificial knives were not the grim instruments of torture you might imagine. In fact they were adorned with cute little faces with wide staring eyes.
• Itzpapalotl The aptly-named Flint Claw Butterfly. Rules over the paradise realm of Tamoanchan. She’s a desirable looking Goddess who will give you the glad eye. But we urge you to resist, for just one embrace and she becomes the Obsidian Butterfly Maiden. Stone knives pop out from her eyes, mouth... and parts we would rather not mention due to delicacy, embarrassment and utter shock.
• Itztlacoliuhqui God of Justice and Lord of the Morning Star. He used to be a warm and cheerful God of the Dawn called Tlahuizcalpantecuhtli. Then along came the Sun. Sun God Tonatiuh was a really arrogant piece of work, demanding all kinds of unreasonable sacrifices. This was even more annoying because the week before, Tonatiuh had been a feeble God of Nothing and common as muck. Tlahuizcalpantecuhtli fired a stone dart to teach him a lesson. But he missed. Tonatiuh fired back and got him right in the forehead. Ouch. The pain. This didn’t improve his demeanour but only made him meaner. He turned into the cold and stony Itztlacoliuhqui. And that’s why Venus is cool and the dawn is cold. Now Itztlacoliuhqui is the patron of Castigation, Stone and Cold Hard Things. Like many Gods who attempt to deal out justice, he often wears a blindfold. Or perhaps it’s a bandage for his poor injured forehead.
• Ixtlilton Possibly the first God of Aerobics. Brother of Xochipilli (and Macuilxochitl!). He specializes in Healing, Health and Dancing.
• Macuilcozcacuahtli Call him Five Vulture. He is one of the Macuiltonaleque. Hopefully not an excess of corpse-eating.
• Macuilcuetzpalin Call him Five Lizard. He is not related to Michael Palin, but is a member of the Macuiltonaleque.
• Macuilmalinalli Call him Five Grass. This could be a giveaway as to his function in the Macuiltonaleque Quintet of Pleasure and Excess.
• Macuiltochtli A God of Alcoholic Beverages. Just call him Five Rabbit. With the association of rabbits and serious Pulque drinking, this could be a dead drunk giveaway as to his function in the Macuiltonaleque.
• Macuiltonaleque Five Gods of Pleasure and Excess. ’Macuil’ means five and these gods include the dangers of overindulgence. Their wagging fingers of reprimand show that drinking, gambling, sex and other pleasures should not be taken to extremes. It is for your own good — too much indulgence and you might end up looking like one of the hunchback dwarfish Macuiltonaleque. We think you are allowed up to five cups of Pulque — but who measures the size of the cup? These five Gods were also invoked by diviners and mystics. Five Gods - five fingers, and with a little hand-waving all the future could be laid bare. They are all good Southern Gods and their names are Macuilcozcacuahtli, Macuilcuetzpalin, Macuilmalinalli, Macuiltochtli and Macuilxochitl.
• Macuilxochitl The God of Games. From boardgames to the Aztec version of soccer, and is also in charge of gambling, dancing and music. His name means ‘five-flower prince’. Just call him Flower. He is immensely popular, despite his membership of the Macuiltonaleque. He must have taken bribes or turned a blind eye. He’s also another manifestation of Xochipilli.
• Macuilcozcacuahtli Call him Five Vulture. He is one of the Macuiltonaleque. Hopefully not an excess of corpse-eating.
• Macuilcuetzpalin Call him Five Lizard. Macuilcuetzpalin is one of the Gods of excesses who governs satisfaction, joy and laughter. Macuilcuetzpalin works with Inner Joy, to Always Be Happy, to Create Crises of Laughter in Specific People, to Generate Deep Sadness in Specific Person, to Feel Fulfilled and at Peace, to Appear Fulfilled and Successful to People, to Bring Emotional Comfort, to Transform Traumas into Experiences, among other things.
• Macuilmalinalli Call him Five Grass. This could be a giveaway as to his function in the Macuiltonaleque Quintet of Pleasure and Excess.
• Macuiltochtli A God of Alcoholic Beverages. Just call him Five Rabbit. With the association of rabbits and serious Pulque drinking, this could be a dead drunk giveaway as to his function in the Macuiltonaleque.
• Macuiltonaleque Five Gods of Pleasure and Excess. ’Macuil’ means five and these gods include the dangers of overindulgence. Their wagging fingers of reprimand show that drinking, gambling, sex and other pleasures should not be taken to extremes. It is for your own good — too much indulgence and you might end up looking like one of the hunchback dwarfish Macuiltonaleque. We think you are allowed up to five cups of Pulque.
• Macuilxochitl The God of Games. From boardgames to the Aztec version of soccer, and is also in charge of gambling, dancing and music. His name means ‘five-flower prince’. Just call him Flower. He is immensely popular, despite his membership of the Macuiltonaleque. He must have taken bribes or turned a blind eye. He’s also another manifestation of Xochipilli.
• Malinalxochi Pest Repelling Goddess. She has power over stingy, bitey creatures without any nasty chemicals or sprays. This is always handy. Especially in the desert.
• Mayahuel Goddess of Alcohol. As protector of the cactusy maguey plant, she greatly assisted her husband Patecatl in his medicinal researches. At one point teetotalers tried to stamp her out. See Pulque for the whole intoxicating tale.
• Metzli Old Moon God. The name for the moon after Tecciztecatl started looking after it. Apart from the embarrassing events leading up to his new moon career, he’s often depicted carrying a moon seashell on his back, thereby bearing some responsibility for the fashion of shell suits.
• Mexitl Top God of Mexico. Runs a side business in War and Sacrifice. He started out as Huitzilopochtli and eventually became the supremely supreme deity of Mexico.
• Mictecacihuatl Lady of the Dead. She is the Queen and co-ruler of Mictlan, the Aztec Underworld. She looks after the bones of the dead with her husband Mictlantecuhtli.
• Mictlan The Aztec Underworld, ruled over by Mictlantecuhtli, the grinning God of Death and his wife Mictecacihuatl. The Aztec Underworld was a vast veritable labyrinth of layers and levels which needed looking after by multitudes of ghastly Gods. Most of them with unpronounceable and unspellable names. Gods of the Underworld were usually depicted in garish color in two-dimensional form. Three dimensional Gods with those colors would be a bit over the top. But Mictlan itself is a gloomy, dank and depressing place, full of worms and creepy-crawlies. Not to mention bones. Quetzalcoatl had a lot of trouble persuading Mictlantecuhtli to give them up for rebirth in the Fifth World.
• Mictlantecuhtli Grinning God of the Underworld. He rules Mictlan, the lowest level of the Aztec Underworld, and guards the bones of those who’ve passed on. Mictlantecuhtli is extremely skeletal with bonus horror bits — particularly his exposed liver which dangles cheekily from his chest cavity. He is depicted as a grinning maniac with large cheerful teeth and wide staring eyes. His wife is Mictecacihuatl.
• Mixcoatl God of Hunting and War. He made the first fire with a clever bit of cosmic engineering which no-one else has ever managed to duplicate. He’s the Pole Star son of Cihuacoatl, and dad of Quetzalcoatl and Huitzilopochtli. When the mood takes him he transforms into Tezcatlipoca.
• Montezuma Last king of the Aztec world. He was utterly obsessed by chocolate, which he believed to be the most exquisite substance in the world. He couldn’t understand what the Spaniards saw in all that silly gold stuff lying around, and was therefore completely unprepared for the brutal takeover of his entire empire.
• Nanautzin God (or occasionally Goddess) of Humble Bravery. Known as The Scabby One, he was weak, diseased and cringy. But his modest courage led to the ultimate promotion as reward for his fortitude. Nanautzin started out as the smallest and ugliest of the Gods, but when the vacancy of Sun became available, he leapt at the chance to improve his lot. Dressed in humble reeds, he turned up at the interview to discover only one other candidate had applied for the job. Possibly because the winning applicant was required to undergo sacrificial death in the Godly Bonfire. Oh well, he thought, what have I got to lose? He’d only been invited to attend because he’d done good works and given maize to humans. His rival was the smartly-dressed and terribly arrogant Tecciztecatl. But as soon as the fire was lit, Tecciztecatl chickened out, leaving the courageous Nanautzin to jump into the flames and become the glorious sun. Thereafter he was known as Tonatiuh and became quite arrogant himself.
• Omacatl God of Feasting and Joy. An aspect of the ubiquitous Tezcatlipoca. Edible bones made of maize paste were always good for a laugh at any banquet. Nowadays these are made by Walkers Snackfoods in a variety of flavors.
• Omecihuatl Goddess of Creation. She’s the wife of Creator God Ometecuhtli and also his twin, sister, female aspect and/or genetically-modified clone. Very creative.
• Ometecuhtli Two in One Creator God,. Ometecuhtli and his wife Omecihuatl symbolize the duality and primordial forces of nature. Their four sons Huitzilopochtli, Quetzalcoatl, Tezcatlipoca and Xipe Totec were also pretty big in the creation department. Often depicted as a half-man and half-woman figure, or vice versa.
• Ometochtli King of the Drunken Bunnies. This is a slightly generic term for the supreme God of that fiery drink Pulque. It usually refers to Tepoztecatl, but sometimes it doesn’t.. ’Ometochtli’ means ‘Two Rabbit.
• Opochtli God of Bird Snaring, Hunting and Fishing. He supplies all the tools necessary for catching meat and fish. He is also left-handed, the only instance of a left-handed God we know of (so far!).
• Oxomoco Goddess of Astrology and Calendars. The stars are silent today, but we can tell you that she’s the wife of Cipactonal.
• Patecatl God of Medicine. With the aid of his wife Mayahuel, he pepped up Pulque by adding certain roots to the maguey cactus mixture under the illusion that it was amazingly beneficial ‘Pulque Physic’. This illusion was actually caused by the narcotic hallucinations on top of the alcohol. The only antidote is to choose your Gods more carefully.
• Popocatepetl Not really a God. When he was called away to war, the poor girl died of grief and the two of them ended up being transformed into mourning mountains by the Gods.
• Pulque Fiery Aztec Alcohol. Gave its name to a whole pantheon of Drinking Gods from Mexico. The Totonac Goddess Mayahuel invented Pulque, a firey booze fit for the Gods. Pulque had psychedelic properties in abundance and proved so popular that it attracted a whole pack of drinking deities. A particular group of them are called the Centzon Totochtin, meaning ‘Infinite Rabbits’. These drunken deities represent the infinite ways that people can be affected by intoxication. Their leader is Ometochtl.
• Quetzalcoatl The famed Aztec Feathered Serpent God. Son of Creator God biggie Ometecuhtli, he also makes the odd appearance as Ehecatl. Quetzalcoatl’s brother is Xolotl and his mother is Top Goddess Coatlicue. He helped create the cosmos and instigated the system of universal death and rebirth. Quetzalcoatl ruled the Fifth World Cycle and created fifth-generation humans by sprinkling his blood over the bones of the previous tenants. Of course the bones first had to be rescued from Mictlan. Quetzalcoatl brought culture to mankind and also agriculture. But most importantly, he brought chocolate! It is a fairly little-known fact that the great Quetzalcoatl was originally Kukulcan, the feathered serpent god of the Maya. This is a clear case of Aztec copyright theft.
• Tamoanchan Aztec Paradise and the blessed Place of Dead Babies. Ruled over by the skeletal Itzpapalotl, the realm of Tamoanchan is rumored to be the birthplace of Aztec humanity. This is the home for victims of infant mortality. Here grows the Suckling Tree which bears 400,000 nipples. The little deadlings lie in comfort slurping away until they regain enough life and strength for re-incarnation.
• Tecciztecatl Slimy and shiny God of the Moon. Now the God of the Moon but he started off as a lowly God of Snails and Worms. Hoping to improve his slimy status, he volunteered to jump into the sacrificial flames to become the sun. But he lost his nerve at the last minute and Nanautzin beat him to it. Ashamed, he leapt after her, but most of the fire had turned to ash. An eagle swooped down and carried them both to the sky. The sunny Nanautzin shone resplendent, but cowardly Tecciztecatl made a very feeble moon. The Gods jeered and threw a rabbit at him. Although he changed his name to Metzli to avoid embarrassment, he still bears the bruises to this day.
• Temazcalteci Goddess of Cleanliness who repels dirty demons. She looks after saunas, baths, jacuzzis or whatever bathing methods the Aztecs used. We’re not sure what manner of detergent is used, but she is very good at keeping demons away from naked people.
• Teotihuacan Mysterious Spider Goddess. She comes to you on speculation. Her real name is unknown and her identikit likenesses come from murals and carvings found at Tepantitla from some classic period. The name Teotihuacan is bandied about by bandy-legged scholars but what do they know? Is it self-inflicted knowledge or have they drunk from the Fountain of Knowledge? Veering towards the Iguana of Ignorance ourselves, we take nothing for granted — although a nice fat research grant could work wonders. So what we are left with is a well-decked out spiderish deity surrounded at times by small figures engaged in matters of jollity amidst blossoms and butterflies.
• Teoyaomiqui The Aztec Flower God of Dead Warriors. What sort of warrior is he then? Death by daffodil? Hitting low with a hibiscus? We think he was too ineffectual for the hard macho stuff and got a cushy job looking after the flowers on graves instead.
• Tepeyollotl God of Caves and Earthquakes. He makes the Earth shake when he raises his voice, and is also responsible for echoes.
• Tezcatzontecatl Beer God. Another deity of putting the Pulque amongst the rabbits. There is an unsubstantiated rumor that he owned a chain of taverns which once stretched across the Aztec Empire. These bore such names as The Pulque Pub, The Seven Rabbits, The Pulquinn, The Rabbit & Cactus, The Spinal Tap Room, Bunny’s Bar and the Twitchery Brewhouse.
• Tepoztecatl Drunken God of Alcohol. Also known as Ometochtli. He certainly isn’t Teetotl. He is the dispenser of the fiery Pulque, and supreme boozehead of the Centzon Totochtin Inebriated Rabbits Society. As a fertility deity, Tepoztecatl is the go-to God if you wish to indulge in frenzied copulation. He will help you get so drunk that even the most hideously ugly people will begin to seem alluring and delightful.
• Tezcatlipoca The all-important God of Night, Death and Confusion. He is the old arch-rival of Top God Quetzalcoatl and spent most of his time during the Creation of the Universe bashing, crashing and smashing his enemy’s work instead of doing anything constructive. Tezcatlipoca overthrew Quetzalcoatl who overthrew him in return. POW! PUNCH! BASH! In the form of Aztec pictorial writing, this story must be one of the most exciting comic strips ever. Their battles were repeated several times, accompanied by devastation, world destruction and severe inconvenience to a large number of monkeys. No wonder the Aztecs feared and worshiped him – he is a formidable and potent figure. But despite being a nasty piece of work, he’s a handsome chap who once seduced the beautiful Xochiquetzal. A lover of chaotic confusion, he carries a smoking mirror which bewilders enemies and confuses the issues. He is happiest when leading people down the garden path to evil. He’s a real whiz at shape-changing, often manifesting himself as Mixcoatl as well as mysterious birds such as Chalchiuhtotolin and Chalchiuhtecólotl. But he appears most often as a jaguar.
• Tlazolteotl The Eater of Filth and Dirt. Tlazolteotl is the Goddess of Confession, Purification and Rescue from Spiritual Uncleanliness. Especially in the sexual line. If you have a filthy mind or you want to dig the dirt, just turn to her. She’s ready to hear all your confessions and will delight in gobbling up your filthy thoughts. When she sucks up your sin this will hopefully leave you feeling pure and clean. Ironically she’s often seen as a statuette in craft shops, sold as a Love Goddess giving birth.
• Tlahuizcalpantecuhtli God of Dawn and the Morning Star. An aspect of Quetzalcoatl. He is Lord of the Twelfth Hour of the Day. What this signifies we have no idea. Aztec Codex writings are plentiful, but excavations have not yet revealed an Aztec Timex. He is God of the Dawn. He used to be warm and friendly, but after shooting an arrow at the sun to teach Tonatiuh a lesson, he received one right between the eyes and became the cold and stony Itztlacoliuhqui.
• Tlaloc Rain God of fertile heavenly waters. The Ruler of Tlalocan, the Fourth Level of Heaven, his domain is a water-filled paradise of lush green plants, from which he dispenses rain, lightning and other useful goodies. But with the Aztecs there was always a price: His priests killed and ate babies to promote rain, which only appeared if the babies cried before death. (What was necessary to make it stop raining we won’t even try to imagine.) Tlaloc is depicted in a mask with goggling frog eyes and outrageous buck teeth. He’s married to Chalchiuhtlicue, who obviously likes that kind of thing. His big sister is salt of the Earth Huixtocihuatl. And, in case you need to know, his favorite incense is the fuming stench of burning rubber.
• Tlaltecuhtli A Fat Toad Monster Demoness. Known as Queen of the Earth, she is always hungry and demands fresh flesh at all times. Her appetite is so insatiable that one mouth isn’t enough. She has slavering mouths all over her body.
• Tloquenahuaque Experimental Aztec God of Monotheism. Conflicting reports of Ometecuhtli give us Tloquenahuaque, an early example of Monotheism. He’s a God who tried to go it alone. He didn’t have a lot to offer though. Accepting sacrifices and offerings is one thing, but we expect some sort of deity dividend. He’s now immortalized as the Unknown God. Not a great success really.
• Toci Mother of the Gods. And thus the Grandmother of the Aztecs. She is a very very old lady with black make-up and a cotton headdress. She is also an Earth Grandmother known as the Heart of the Earth.
• Tonacatecuhtli Vitally important Aztec God of Food. Where would we be without him? Breakfast, lunch, dinner, supper, he supplies them all. But he’s very stern when it comes to sneaking snacks between meals, as Chantico found out.
• Tonatiuhi He looks after warriors, particularly those who die in his service, and rules the present Age of the world. He needs revitalizing each morning with fresh hearts still pumping blood. The bloodthirsty burning Sun. He looks after warriors, particularly those who die in his service, and rules the present Age of the world. He needs revitalizing each morning with fresh hearts still pumping blood. But he wasn’t always so demanding. In fact he started off as the lowly non-entity Nanautzin, and only got to his present position through good luck and fortitude. The leap from Scabby God of Nothing to Sun God of Everything went straight to his head and he refused to move unless all the other Gods sacrificed themselves to him. Tlahuizcalpantecuhtli the Dawn God was so insulted by this arrogance that he fired an arrow at him. But he missed. Tonatiuh fired back and turned Tlahuizcalpantecuhtli to stone.
• Tzitzimime Demon stars only visible during eclipses. They are harbingers of evil and destruction. As you might expect.
• Tzitzimitl Sozzled Grandmother Demon from Space. She is an enigmatic evil old hag who guards the Goddess of Intoxication Mayahuel. As you might expect from an alcohol-related deity, the legends surrounding her are a little vague and woozy. According to legend, she originally lived among the stars with her demon children (called Tzitzimime). They spent most of their time staring maliciously down at the Earth and terrorizing pregnant ladies. One day Tzitzimitl entered the land of the Gods. Some of the Tzitzimime followed her down and they all moved in with beautiful Goddess Mayahuel as live-in caretakers and security guards. Following this, Ehecatl a Wind God, fell in love in Mayahuel. This caused all kinds of security issues involving the two lovers eloping to Earth and unexpectedly transforming into a giant tree. Tzitzimitl did everything she could to stop all this bizarre activity, finally sending her Tzitzimime down to gnaw the branches of the tree into little pieces. But, as so often happens in mythology, the pieces of Mayahuel took root in the Earth and grew into a lovely agave (maguey) tree. This produced a wonderful harvest of Pulque sap and became the source of all the world’s tequila. Meanwhile the Tzitzimime headed back up to the stars. They are still up there, staring down at us and biding their time until they can zoom down to cause mayhem with the alcohol supply again.
• Ueuecoyotl The Old Old Coyote. Let your hair down! He’s the God of Fun, Laughter and Sex. Or whatever else makes your life merrier. No doubt Ueuecoyotl is a distant relation of Coyote, the fun-loving Native American Trickster.
• Xipe Totec Aztec God of Spring, Agriculture and flaying people alive. He’s the son of Ometecuhtli. The one who wears the flayed skins. Only for fertility reasons you understand. Each spring, victims were flayed alive in his honor. He also looks after goldsmiths. And we have it on good authority that he is responsible for a number of plagues, scabs and boils.
• Xiuhcoatl The Turquoise Fire Serpent and God of Drought. He also seems to be connected in some way to Fire God Huehueteotl. Xiuhcoatl is very serpentine and is often portrayed as a jade figurine with a head at each end.
• Xmulzencab These are Bee Gods. We are guessing they are related to the Maya Ah Muzencab. Whether they appear as bees, or surround themselves with bees is a delicate matter for further probing. Careful not to get stung.
• Xochipilli Aztec peacenik God of Love and Niceness. He’s red and skinless but quite nice with it. Being something of an Aztec hippy, he goes for flowers, singing and dancing, as well as guarding the souls of dead warriors who turn into humming birds. His sister is the Love Goddess Xochiquetzal and he’s very lovey-dovey himself. He carries a pointy stick and likes to poke it around. If the tip penetrates your heart you’ll fall in love.
• Xochiquetzal Flowery Feather Fertility Goddess. Her name means “flower precious feather”. Loves Games, loves Dance, but mostly loves Love. As Goddess of Love, she’s surrounded by butterflies and creates a warm glow wherever she goes. Her brother Xochipilli is also into flower power. Her husband was Centeotl, or maybe Tlaloc.
• Xolot Aztec God of Lightning and dead-good Underworld guide. The dark and not-nearly-so-handsome brother of Quetzalcoatl, he has a rather important task. He guides the dead to Mictlan, the Aztec Underworld. He can be seen in the evening sky as Venus. He also lends a hand to help the Sun on its arduous journey through the Underworld every night. Despite all these good deeds, XOLOTL is dogged by deformity. He has a hound’s head. A particularly ugly one too. Also, the feet on his skeletal body run backwards so he finds it difficult to know if he is coming or going.
• Yacatecuhtli Ancient God of Traveling Salesmen and Merchants. Director of the Pochtecas Chamber of Commerce, Yacatecuhtli offers insider dealing only and it’s very difficult to obtain membership. The secret symbol is a bundle of twigs. Merchants (known as Pochtecas) who traveled distant and dangerous lands would halt their caravans at night and build an effigy of him from their walking sticks. He would then guard their precious merchandise while they dreamt of wealth. His symbol is the cross, which he appears to be carrying as though attempting to hawk it from door-to-door. Some sources state that his name means ‘Lord of the Nose’.